To prepare for the journey I took a shower and then laid out my mesa/altar. I used singing to go onto trance. It was laborious. I carried with me my yew staff and a rock from my mesa to ground me.
I went out my front door and down the path to my garden in the back yard. There was snow on the ground covering everything. It was cold. I went out my back gate – huge swinging gates around 8 feet tall – and into the back alley. I noticed what I was wearing: fur lined Cowichan sweater with a hood, grey with turquoise and red yarn, looked warm – jeans and fur lined suede boots that were knee high and with ties wrapping around them. I noticed this because these are not things I wear or own. Also turquoise and red have shown up before in journeys – whenever I am wearing something. My hair was black and I looked younger.
I walked over the street to the Grandpa tree (a big beautiful old maple by my house). I wanted to see if I could ‘see’ it in another way in Midgard. It was black and writhing around like it was in pain or it was angry. I tried to talk to it but no response. I wanted to give it a gift. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a big palm-sized crystal – it was faceted like a diamond. I blew my breath into it and it lit up like a light. I dug a hole under the tree – under its roots and put the crystal in there. I blew into the hole and when I did, well the light seemed to seep up into the tree and turn it back into a tree in places – but I couldn’t totally heal it. I went to hug the tree and got a big “No!”. But I didn’t feel like the tree would hurt me – rather it was more like it was engaged with something that might hurt me – like it was protecting me or it was really busy and didn’t want to be bothered.
I continued up the street. I asked my guides to come and none did. I asked to see this place before the humans were here and suddenly found myself in a dense forest. The rainforest – ferns, moss, boulders and huge cedar trees. I through and ended up on a cliff looking down at the beach. I noticed that travel was effortless here and almost at the speed of thought. Like transporting rather than walking. I saw a black bear digging in the sand. He tried to charge me but stopped. I felt no fear and no menace from him.
I found the edge of the cliff and was looking down into the water when I fell in. I swam along the rocks looking for a foothold to get back up. I had black wool gloves on my hands. I found a boulder to climb up on. I found myself up on an outcrop platform with a little fire in front of me. The fire was strangely symmetrical.
It was quite peaceful. A scene I’ve seen many times – looking out at the sea and the mountains across the inlet, with the forest behind me. I asked again for guides to come. I heard a splash in the water below me and when looking down, saw a mermaid in the water. She had brown hair and black eyes – no iris or white at all – just black. I asked her if she was my guide and she said yes. Then she started to swim away. I said, “Wait! Can you stay and talk to me”? She said, “I cannot” and swam away. She had a funny look on her face – like she was angry or afraid.
Then an animal approached me from behind up on the rocks. I got a flash of tawny coloured fur and paws, but I couldn’t tell what it was for a while. I couldn’t ‘see’ the animal. I started looking for it in my mind – was it a dog, a wolf or a big cat – like a lion? None of those. Then suddenly it appeared on the rock – a huge cat – a house-cat though – just really big – like lion size. It has dark orange fur with cream and grey stripes – and a big fluffy mane – a long-haired cat. Huge amber eyes that when I looked into them, had stars in them. And I think it had stars hanging around its neck too. It was a supernatural creature to be sure.
The cat just sat there on the rock above me, also looking out to the sea and the quiet of the shore. It seemed to be enjoying the peaceful view as well. I sat in front of it for a time and we shared silence. Then all of a sudden it came to me – what if this was Freyja? The golden hair, the cat, the stars – all the symbolism was there. I stood up immediately and turned around into a deep bow. Said something like, “Great Lady I apologize for not recognizing you sooner, will you bless me on my path to Seidr?”
She said, “This path is not for you”. Her lips did not move and she didn’t look at me – the voice was loud and clear inside my head.
I was shocked. I said something like, “But I thought all the symbolism was right – cats are my animals, you are the goddess of the witches, you are everything I’m interested in.”
She said, “Nope.”
I said, “Ok well is there any other way that I can work with you?”
She thought for a minute and said, “Perhaps.”
I said, “What about the runes and Galdr – can I work with Odin?”
She nodded her head and seemed to like this idea, “Perhaps. Perhaps!”
Then she turned into a big six foot high flickering flame and jumped off the rock – sailed out over the ocean into the distance.
I sat and watched her disappear. I saw something off in the distance coming towards me from over the water. It was an orb – a little white glowing orb. It sailed up to me at eye level and appeared to be looking me over. Then it got bigger and bigger and bigger until it was pushing me backwards. I felt my staff in my hand – I tapped it on the ground and said something like ‘Simmer down!”, and the orb shrank back to size and moved on from me, seemingly having lost interest.
I put out the fire and took a path back towards my house through the forest. The Grandpa tree looked a little better but I still didn’t want to go near it. It looked more like a tree now but it was still engaged with something.
In my garden there was a tiny man sitting on a fencepost. He had a long grey moustache and crooked teeth. He was very thin and grey and looked somewhat unwell. He wore a tiny pill-box hat and jacket made of leather but dyed or painted gold. I was very polite and greeted him warmly. I asked him if he was the guardian of this land (my house). He said “Aye”. I asked how he liked the garden. He said “It could use a little…” and then shivered. I said, “Oh are you cold?” and then I got a picture of leaves going on the garden (which I hadn’t done yet for the winter). That was all he had to say. I walked back into my house and came out of trance.
This journey felt forced – like I was making it all up as I went along. This happens to me sometimes in journeying – where I feel almost like I think of things and then they appear. The bear for example, I thought there would be a bear on the beach and there it was. The parts that came to me all on their own were:
The grandpa tree – writhing and black
The little fire in front of me on the rocks
The tawny fur of the cat
The cat saying, “This path is not for you”
I don’t know if that was Freyja, or a manifestation of my own doubts and fears. To clarify I pulled a rune and got Nauthiz – Constraint. The card told me to consider the uses of adversity and that basically there is shadow work to be done before moving forward. Things are out of balance and that needs to be addressed. For me the first thing that came up was my health – which I am struggling with right now. Since being in school I haven’t been able to concentrate on it as much. Do I need to rectify this? Will Freyja not work with someone who is ill? Or perhaps ill for the wrong reasons?