I’ve finished the South direction of the medicine wheel – this ends my first year in training in the lineage of the Q’ero; descendants of the Inca. I am now a full mesa carrier. My mesa, my medicine bundle, is complete.
I have so much to write about it’s hard to know where to start. So for now I’ll just say this – I am filled with gratitude as I return from my 3 days away. I walk through my house and feel immense joy. My child, my love, my house – all are perfect and just as they should be. I feel a calmness that is new.
The South winds are governed by the serpent, Amaru in Quechua. Amaru is the sacred animal of wisdom, transformation, skin shedding. When working with the serpent we shed our past, our ego, our stories. We learn to uncover our wounds and shed them as well. We learn to be in right relationship with ourselves.
Synchronicities have happened. Other odds and ends and cool stuff. For the purpose of keeping track, I’ll list what I can remember here in the blog.
I pulled cards while there many times (my teacher has decks and decks of them). One was “clinging to the past”. Funny to be in Amaru and pulling cards about letting go. I also pulled “fire – eternal life”, “inner strength” and “spiritual leadership”.
A few months back I had a really intense dream about a snake. A big yellow one that was the size of a python, loose in my house. My house was up high, overlooking the city (not my real house). We were trying to capture this snake with a pillow case – and it proceeded to bite my little brother, who fell over dead, and then my husband. I’ll never forget the look on his face as he instantly fell over to the floor. He is someone I see as being indestructible. My panic woke me up.
The night before I was to go to the retreat, I had a dream about someone in my past that I have not thought about for a long time. A guy I was in love with – and according to the dream maybe still am, because I woke up with so many over-whelming emotions about him, 20 years later. I felt like I wanted to see him.
When in the medicine wheel, we are taught to hear messages from everywhere – the world, nature, our dreams… so I wondered why this dream. This person is the cause of so much pain for me – and also he kind of represents me and my life from the ages of 15 to 19 – an extremely tumultuous time, marked with ruin and tragedy.
I did some work with him in the South – and came to realize that ‘he’ and all the feeling I have associated with him, is actually me clinging to the past. The pain, the suffering, the young girl whose innocence was destroyed. So – why? This is one thing I have to work on in the next few months. I don’t have answers yet. But – I have tools now, that will enable me to shed this story – if I work at it.
However, this guy is actually quite involved in Santeria and Voodoo – when I enacted a ritual to release him from my life, I found that it felt he was actually the one hanging on. I ended up yelling at him to let me go. My teacher thinks I am feeding him – even unconsciously (on my part and his) – by having him attached to these wounds I have not healed. He may be picking up the energy, not really understanding where it comes from.
I feel free of it today – my feelings of wanting to see him have gone. But I haven’t healed those wounds yet I don’t think – more work to be done.
A dream journal is quite a good tool to use – I highly recommend it! All 3 nights at the retreat I had crazy dreams. I will start recording dreams here.
Note on progress: I sang at the fire ceremony! Big and loud and with almost no tears. It was really fantastic. I realize now that my singing is a part of me that has been disowned. And that reminds me of a rune, Nauthiz; Constraint – that I have consistently been pulling for years. This is the shadow rune. A quote from my rune book has always stuck with me; “When something within you is disowned, that which is disowned wreaks havoc”. The shadow is always at play if it is ignored.
Man I feel like I have a big shadow – that has for the most part, like a jailer, overshadowed the rest of me for years and years and years.
And maybe that is where it all began – back when I was a teenager – a talented young singer, painter, writer – making art and beauty for their own sake – never even having an inkling that someday I would feel self-conscious about any of it. Or feel disconnected from it like it was a strange alien thing, awkward and uncomfortable – not ‘of’ me. So – at some point I shed that story of myself – ‘I am an artist. I am a singer song-writer. I am a guitar player’. Now I have to figure out what story it is that replaced that. And why I let such a life-blood part of myself be disowned.