Simply put, I’ve been a bit of a mess since a) entering into the North and b) starting the protocol to step into my power. Hence, among many other things I haven’t written a follow-up until now.

The past month I’ve been experiencing heart problems, mostly tachycardia and weird irregular beats. This has led to a) me quitting caffeine and b) me not being able to work-out at all – as both of those activities exacerbate the problem. However, not doing those activities has turned me into a walking zombie of a sorts, unable to think clearly or have any motivation to do anything at all. Curiously, caffeine withdrawal can be quite severe. Who knew? I’ve been drinking coffee and tea since I was 12 so for sure my body does not like the sudden lack of it, 25 years later. Also on being 40, I’ve noticed that to have energy to do all the things I like to do in life, I have to work out regularly. So – needless to say – a bit of a mess.

Psycho-spiritual reasoning: I have had to sit down for a month – imagine that?? Sitting down. My teacher pointed that out; sometimes the nature of a health crisis or an injury can be just that, the universe wants you to sit still. A few years back my husband blew out his knee at work – had to have surgery and was down for the count for a year. Thing was, he really needed that break from his toxic work-place. He may not have lasted in that job at all without it. He is also a very ‘busy’ person just like me.

During this sitting, I experienced a separation from all of my spiritual practices. I made oaths in blood in the forest right before this stuff descended on me – I had been in the middle of a Medicine Wheel – just finished the North direction – and also on a spiritual path with a daily practice of prayer for the past two years or so (and documenting it all in this blog). In the past month I have felt sudden and acute separation from all of this, to the point of despair even. I haven’t felt like doing any of it. Haven’t believed in any of it. Been telling myself spirituality is all bullshit – something people create for themselves to make them feel not so alone in the universe because, after all, we can choose to believe whatever the fuck we want – doesn’t make it actually so. The gods  are a fiction just as the rest of reality is a fiction – or rather is malleable and created by the observer. Lately I’ve been seeing us humans as creators of the maya or collective dream – and yes I know this is not new – I think I first read that in the Four Agreements – but if you think on it, it’s a rather lonely place to be. We sit in our little boxes of soul, our little pocket of the multiverse, fabricating the world around us – like a dream or a nightmare; nothing is real.

Tangent here: I’ve done so much reading in the past few years, in the blogosphere – and for anyone following this blog you know that my main question has always been ‘what are the gods?’ – and it pains me to say that after all of my research I think I am coming to a conclusion that I didn’t want to come to. I wanted them to be real Beings – another race of people perhaps, born to the universe before humans; a race far more advanced than us who created us in their image; a race of light beings with magical powers and with the knowledge of the universe within them. .. but I’m leaning more towards a definition that falls into the maya or into Sheri S Tepper’s in The Margarets; they are thought forms, created by us and with that they morph into whatever it is we need them to be at the time. This would explain why I’ve read posts about people going through ‘ordeals’ for gods that historically don’t ask for such violence. Some people need this from the Divine – for whatever reason, they are working out their own shit. This doesn’t mean the gods aren’t ‘real’ – it just means that their life-force comes via us, not the other way around. This is why historically gods have always wanted worshippers.

In other words, they are a concentration of universal energy, or of the wondrous and Divine life-force of creativity that exists everywhere, and we humans with our immortal souls are somehow capable of, consciously or unconsciously, capturing and manipulating this energy into whatever is it we think we need. It’s like the Secret or the Law of Attraction or ‘manifest destiny’ or just like plain old magik – this is why all of that is true and works. And why collective prayer actually works to heal things or people or to change events. Anyone listen to that Art Bell show on Coast to Coast where they did an experiment – they asked everyone listening to imagine a fleet of UFOs descending on a particular city at a certain time? And what do you think happened? That fleet appeared out of no-where. I remember Art Bell being unsettled by it – anyone remember this? I can’t find a link at the moment.

Anyways – I guess I’m coming to the conclusion that whatever is happening in the universe, it’s not supernatural. Rather it’s all a natural part of things we don’t yet understand. Mostly to do with how all the different energies in the universe interact. I have a hard time with the concept of ‘love’, in relation to all of this – which seems to be a human construct. I can’t see how the universal forces of energy and cosmic matter could be feeling love, or any other emotion for that matter. Mostly these days, when I pray at my altar I feel like nothing is ‘up’ there. Does the Creator even have a consciousness, beyond the need to constantly create? And ultimately, in our little corner of the universe, is there anything else out there, that is not created by… us?

You see I don’t give a shit if the gods are real if I created them. If we did, then to me to worship them as Beings is incorrect (and I mean no offence on anyone here who does), because what you are actually doing is working with energy – which is more like a tool. Manipulating it, or as the Q’ero say, ‘pushing the kawsay’. (Kawsay is the term for universal energy that surrounds us – a ‘paqo’ or shaman is taught to ‘push the kawsay’ for the good of others).

Having said all of that I am actually much more inclined to believe in little people, spirits of the other-world and underworld. I fully believe in the multi-verse because it makes logical sense to me – and perhaps there are even god-like beings who exist in other realms close to ours – but this is the kicker – because they exist doesn’t mean they have anything to do with us – much less have created us! So it begs the question, why worship them? Maybe our gods are truly a mixture of truth and fiction, belched up from the bowels of our erased human past. They were once great beings that lived near us, like in Asgard or the like, but for some reason we are no longer in contact with them (this is why there are no new sagas or stories) – but we haven’t figured that out – and they have been replaced by the thought forms of our desires. And the more humans that believe in one idea, the more solidified it becomes, creating a ‘god’ that looks somewhat like the Being that used to be there.

Am I saying God is dead? Kind of am I guess. All I can think of is that concept from The Margarets of the tiny little hunched up personal gods in ‘the Gathering’ (kind of like a purgatory place);

Those are gods that many humans prefer. They are hunched from ages of sitting on peoples shoulders, whispering encouragement… Most humans prefer tiny gods. Tiny gods of limited preoccupations…(limited to) mankind of course. And to each believer particularly. Each human wants a god to be his or her best friend, and it’s easier to imagine god being your best friend if he is a tiny little god interested only in a tiny world that’s only a kind of vestibule to an exclusive little heaven.”

This makes me shudder needless to say.

Another article has always stuck with me too – Raven Kaldera’s Journeying and Pathwalking. He also warns against falling under this manifested spell or self-created dream;

Here I need to put in a word or twenty on the nature of reality, and of these alternate worlds. A guided meditation, as we’ll go into in the next chapter, is not the same as journeying. That doesn’t mean that when people do a guided meditation together, they aren’t going anywhere but their own heads. They might be going somewhere in their own heads, or they might be visiting a kind of archetypal world-space that seems to exist as a cosmic construct attached to the collective unconscious. This cosmic construct, like a Star Trek holodeck, is sensitive to those who touch it, and can become a kind of idealized facsimile of wherever it is that they are trying to go, be it Asgard or Brooklyn. Most people who go there realize suddenly that they’re somewhere besides their own heads – wow! – and decide that they are really, truly in Asgard or Olympus or wherever it was that they were trying to go. This can happen with early attempts at journeying, too. In fact, some people never get beyond this place.

The problem is that it’s not really Asgard or Olympus or even Brooklyn. Going there is rather like going to Disney’s Epcot Center World Showcase and then saying that you’ve been to China, Italy, and Mexico. In fact, those of us who worldwalk regularly refer to it as “the Disney ride”. In a Disney ride, everyone speaks your language, is friendly and helpful, wants to make sure that you have a good time, and never tries to kill you. If you throw popcorn at the waving god puppets, the worst that will happen is that you might get bounced out.

However he then goes on to describe the actual Nine Worlds with great detail (check out his Nine Worlds in Nine Days article for more), which I found extremely inspiring and believable when I first read it two years ago. So, to me it seems like there is something there in the multiverse – and maybe the Norse Gods  and others exist there, but in reality probably most of us can’t go there and aren’t connected to them at all – just in the way that most of us can’t see ghosts. It would be a skill or a gift that one is born with, this ability to travel through the worlds. And if this is so, it explains so many of our myths and legends, our Pantheons, our history. Perhaps at one time, our world was much closer to another world, allowing for inter-world travel much more easily than today. Perhaps people at one time had a much more active Pineal gland and this allowed them to walk between worlds and see otherworldly inhabitants in our world too – but something happened to us and we lost that ability. Bottom line is though, something has changed. I don’t believe the gods are here with us anymore. Or at least, those gods of myth.

I do believe that the planet has a soul – and that all things in nature have spirit. Of this I have no doubt because I have felt it myself. Not ‘a Being’ per say but a connection to something that is not me. And, I’m pretty empathic so I pick up on things in that way. Perhaps those deities that are related to nature, like a goddess of corn or harvest, or the god of the forest, or even the story of Persephone and Demeter being the cause of winter, are human stories; personifications of those energies – created so that we could better relate to them. I mean, it certainly is more intriguing to think of the Horned God as a huge towering man with great horns and the legs of a goat, but in actuality it is most likely the ethereal, non-corporeal soul of the collective forest that towers over us. Take that real energy overlain with human consciousness and you have ‘gods’.

Some of you more knowledgeable than me out there may be snickering behind your hand, thinking “ach! the poor lost soul, little does she know yet”. And that is totally fine elders. I am completely ok with being wrong on this issue too. Allow me my meanderings. The truth is out there. And I will find it.

featured image by JD Hancock