This is my problem of late.

When I go to my alter to pray I no longer know who I am praying to.

I’ve done so much study through the past year and beyond – so many endless possibilities of God or definitions of Gods, god, goddesses, Goddess, that my head is whirling – and has been for the past six months.

Yes I’ve been really busy. And my job now is as an editor for an online magazine – so I am already online in all of my spare time – the blog has taken a back-burner. But – also I just feel stuck.

Uninspired. Confused. On bad days full of doubt and serious spiritual malaise. There is an atheist in me who keeps wanting to step forward – and definitely whispers doubts in my ear. What if it’s all just bullshit? I mean really? What if we all are or born a die and that’s it.

Most compelling argument is this – we humans are powerful beings – so powerful that we create our own realities. And in more than just a sort self-empowerment, ‘you can change your life’ kind of way – this is not a Stuart Smalley moment. I mean we are makers. 

We can manifest – that’s what magic is all about right? So what if we have created all of this? What if the gods are there, but they are manifestations of our human needs. We asked for them, we moulded them over time, they evolved with us. They in a sense are our children.

It’s really messing with me. Because for some reason I can’t abide by praying to something that isn’t ‘real’. And when I look at that in me and go deeper – there’s this weird feeling of … betrayal, or of not wanting to be made a fool of. I don’t know where that comes from but it’s lodged in there.

I mean even if the gods were created by us, for us – they are still powerful beings – they still quite obviously harness the power of the universe – they answer our prayers, the speak to some of us – they appear to some of us – they certainly provide guidance to a lot of people. They have become entities unto themselves perhaps. But I’m not into this for mundane guidance or power necessarily. I have a burning desire to know the truth of things. To understand the universe.

I know there is more to this that what we see – of that I have no doubt. But I certainly don’t want to take a leap of faith in any one direction, if it turns out to be a load of crap.

Basically I don’t want to fuck around anymore reading books. I feel it in my bones that the energy from 2012 is still here and that whatever was supposed to happen hasn’t happened yet. I’m full of fear again -for my family. I want to have my faith to turn to for guidance, but there’s not enough tangible evidence that anything is there to support me. No voices in my head – no synchronicity – no elevation of spirit or mood. And I just doubt and doubt and doubt. I stand before my alter and ask myself what I am doing there. What’s the point? Do these spirits exist and if they do why would care about us here?

See? This is what I mean. I’m in a slump – and I’m hoping coming back to this blog will help me sort it out.

Just a note: as soon as this fear began taking over my life and prayers again, I stopped seeing 11:11, 1:11, 1:01. Haven’t seen it for weeks now. I just have to smirk – ok, ok so you are there – whatever it is – and I have obviously lowered my over-all frequency or whatever, with my hand-wringing, that I’m not in the presence of that 11 – whatever it is. I started actually wondering if it was a warning – you know like of the 11th hour? Because I saw it all the time and more and more frequently. But I’ve also read somewhere that 11 is the number of God. (shrugs).

Anyways whatever it is, it’s not with me right now. I look at the clock and see 11:14 – all the time. It’s like I’m just missing something.  I know this all may sound crazy. But seeing that 11 daily was the most striking example of synchronicity in my life over the whole of 2012.