Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert, DUNE
I started this blog in the beginning of this very talked about and greatly feared year, to solidify my intentions of getting back into touch with my higher powers, re-connecting with the sacred and deal with my fears at the possibility of the coming ‘apocalypse’, or end of days, or Nibiru crossing, or whatever other Big Bad it was that was supposed to happen this month.
I felt that I was in so much fear daily, that I could be of no use to anyone. My fears were so nebulous too – these dark murky flights of fancy that ranged from the possible to ludicrous, and plagued me day-to-day hour to hour minute to minute. This was in the context of wanting to jump into the battle between good and evil that I and many others believe is happening on this planet right now. A warrior must not be paralyzed with fear – what use is that? In other words as I’ve read recently, when we are brave it doesn’t mean we are not afraid; bravery is the hoped for reaction to being afraid. This year I wanted to be brave – I was afraid, but I wanted to face that fear and move through it. I wanted to be tempered by it and to use it is as an ally.
I can say now that I see there was probably very concrete physiological reasons for this fear. I had been very hormonal since the birth of my son three years ago (two at the beginning of this blog) and was constantly nail-biting and wringing my hands over the multitude of ways he could possibly die – to which I’ve had other new parents now confirm that this isn’t uncommon. However, I swear to you the visions of carnage that would .. yes the carnage of my little baby son, that would float through my head unbidden back then, sometimes made me wonder if I was possessed by an evil spirit. I watched way too many horror movies when I was younger – this I know. I feel polluted psychically actually by some of the shit that I’ve seen on the big screen – and have actually not been able to get through most movies since I had my son. Old friends say, ‘oh?’ with raised eyebrows ‘some things have changed’. Yes – there is not a horror movie you could mention before 2000 that I have not seen – I dare you. I was a buff – it was a hobby of mine. I watched, I painted and drew monsters. But – since becoming a mom – I just can’t take them. Everyone in those movies is someone’s son or daughter to me now.
Also I’ve been diagnosed with a mild form of generalized anxiety. This I kind of knew but was avoiding. No biggy. Just makes me feel like there’s doom around the corner… and like I don’t like going outside a lot – which is hard for someone who’s trying to re-connect with nature. And I don’t really trust people. Beyond my immediate family, I much prefer the company of my cat. Lately people have called me a hermit – more than once. I am already an introvert by orientation – this anxiety makes it, well kind of more like, crazy feeling.
So I have faced all of this stuff this year. These are the changes I have made and some things that have happened:
I have introduced a daily devotional to my ancestors at an altar I feed every morning and tend and change regularly to reflect the seasons.
I have ritually and consistently turned over my fears, my anger, my rage, my judgement, my intolerance, my frustrations, and my need to be in all of these states – to my higher powers.
I have asked for help when I needed it from my ancestors and my guides – and received it on many occasions.
I have given my gratitude almost daily to my altar; to Grandfather Sky and Pachamama and my guides and ancestors.
I have done journeying – to a power spot, to find my animal guides and to visit the Underworld.
I have been haunted – twice.
I have watched for signs and symbols. I have kept the fires lit. I have, in my own extremely cautious way, stepped onto this path, basically dipping my toes in – not really knowing what I was doing or why I was doing it, but knowing I had to do it. it was a leap of faith.
The results? Well I don’t believe I am hormonal anymore – they say that lasts for the first two years or so. And I do notice a huge difference with regards to my son; I don’t think he’s going to die constantly. Thank the gods.
Also he didn’t sleep for the first two-and-a-half years at all. He woke up every hour on the hour, 24 hours a day.. so ya know this could have had something ta do with my general state of mind. They say you never get that sleep back. Trust me – I have aged ten years in the mirror – and I am not exaggerating. But this year I managed to put a stop to that and have been sleeping more or less through the night for the past six months. I am starting to feel more normal.
The main thing I notice is that I don’t live in fear day-to-day anymore. I don’t seem to be catastrophising about possibilities that are out of my control – be they real or phantoms. For example, about the tenth planet theory or the twin sun theory, or about the world moving into the fifth world with fire, or about the Hopi prophesies or sun storms or the Big One earthquake that we are overdue for in my geological area. It’s not that I don’t believe these things may happen, it’s just that I don’t feel afraid of them anymore, and I don’t really have an explanation as to why I am not afraid – other than that I have asked my higher powers again and again through out the year for these types of ‘possible’ fears about the future, to be removed.
I have spent a lot of time analyzing my fear and getting to the roots of things. I realized that I am probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress and that colours how I see the world, and probably is why I am prone to anxiety. I had a few tragedies early on in life and maybe I just never really integrated them into myself properly. These hold me back. And mostly I notice, because these were sudden events, that I have a core belief that Bad Things Happen – and am therefore always trying to steal myself for the next shocker.
But what have I found really? What’s under all of that fear? Well, more fear of course, ha. It’s like peeling an onion.
This is a different kind of fear however. It’s more tangible. More primal. I feel as though there is a part of me that is like a caged animal, eyes wide, ready to run at the slightest possibility of escape. backed up against a wall. short of breath. turned to stone. I am a fortress.
Ah yes the Fortress. This is a place I went to for solace many many times early in life. A place I actually manifested into being, and tended the fires – fortified the walls. A place that I actually feel sorrowful now to realize that still exists. But, had I not done this work, I would not have been led back to it – would not have realized it’s shiny, icy, impenetrable walls still stood in the horizon of my psyche, blocking the light.
ak. the onion – it peels and peels and peels into eternity.
And that’s where I’m at.
2012 was the year of the Dragon. Did the dragon work itself into my being? Did I take its transformational energy into myself and begin a change in the way of things? I think so actually – though, as it is with me it seems, in a much more subtle way than I would expect.
I’ve done some work – I’ve come to my senses a bit – but really only enough to see that I need to start all over from the beginning, and in earnest and in humility, continue this work. I have only scratched the surface.
In honour of all that, a song comes to mind. Allow me to share the love.
Thanks for being there, Internet – Happy 2013, bring in the year of the Snake
Ever yours, in love and light,
Skye on her Isle ; )