I must confess that I haven’t been doing much lately – as I’ve said before recently. I have been focused in other areas. I’ve gone back to work part-time – I’m a web administrator and so I work from home, which is great – but it has taken even more of my attention and energy way from personal pursuits. So – like, when you are a mom, when do you actually get time to meditate? Or pray – or go to the gym? Really – I want to know. It’s been a source of frustration lately for me, trying to have balance, that includes ME in there somewhere. I’ve drawn up colourful charts and calendars attempting at using the time management skills I honed in earlier years, working in the professional world. I’ve written down ideas and used my handy dictaphone app on my iphone, I’ve done mind mapping strategic meetings with myself and brainstorming sessions. All of this has only succeeded in using up my precious tiny little minutes I get to myself during any given day. None of it has helped me to actually find time.
I suspect it’s because, I am starting to think, that I am not naturally a multi-tasker. Gasp! Yes that one skill you must always have on your resume, it’s not me. I am actually single-tasker – but I tend to work at a task until I master it. That is where my drive comes from – the staunch, plodding, unrelenting movement forward to mastery. Typical Water Oxen. I like to jump into the pool and not come up for air for … hours, days, weeks. I am comfortable with this. This is how I paint, how I play guitar, how I do anything creative really. I lose time, I relish in the loss of time to my task – whatever it is. I have an ability to focus on a task to an extreme level. Even at work, I can sit in front of a computer for 12 hours straight without batting an eye or getting up to stretch. Even eating.
All of this is great, for doing creative task oriented work. But for being a mom, entrepreneur, nanny, home-maker.. not to mention a daughter, sister, wife (wife – you mean sex life – when does that happen?), cousin, step-mom. friend (who has time for friends?) … I mean seriously – it’s crazy making. Someone please tell me where in there do I exist?
Most of the time I feel as though I am clumsily fumbling from task to task with no real overview of anything, just doing whatever comes in front of my face first. It’s not efficient. I’m sure I waste a lot of energy this way. Actually, my life reminds me of being in my labour. It’s like, there’s this indomitable force that is at work on you, that never stops – you get a few minutes of air here and there but that’s it – hardly enough for you to get your head around what’s actually happening – then another contraction comes and you are simply enduring the agony. In the face of that pain, nothing else in the mind happens – nothing exists – the personality disappears until it’s over. Then – another breath of air for a minute or two, gasping, having a few self-conscious thoughts – mostly about how you can’t get your head around what’s happening, and then ‘bang’ another contraction, the mind goes blank – and so on and on. I actually think that, that energy hasn’t stopped for me since my son was born; I have yet to come up for air. I have only minorly managed to keep things functioning in my life, even on practical levels. You know, it just took me like four months to make a dentist appointment!? It’s three years on now and I wonder sometimes – am I doing something wrong?
Aaaanyways – I will continue on. I am told it gets better. But I digress – the point of this post was to document a few things I have been experiencing lately.
Mainly this – I wrote before about the visitation of the small child size personage, that I have seen and my husband has seen in the house. The other happenings that have accompanied this are that my things are going missing. Clothes, other items, keys.. mainly whatever I happen top be looking for in earnest at that moment. I can’t find it. Then, it appears later when I don’t need it, in the exact place I was looking for it before. My husband has been saying this too – his clothes are missing mostly. Now, I could easily write this off as being a by-product of the above-mentioned crazy-ness of being a mom who hasn’t slept for three years, but since it seems to be a reoccurring aggravation, it’s beginning to stand out – and is worth noting.
The other thing is this – good things happening.
Now I know this is weird – why is it weird that good things are happening? Well – because I have never been one of those people who really great things happen to. I actually have a rather tragedy-filled history… so much so that I have an internal clock that ticks by the seconds until the other shoe drops – always. It’s not that I am a pessimist – to the contrary – I am an optimist. And it’s not that bad things happen all the time – or that nothing good ever happens to me. It’s more… hmmm how do I say… my expectations of life are quite low I guess. I don’t expect to win contests, or be picked for things – certainly not to win a lottery or a trip to Paris. Yes – I don’t lose in life, but I don’t win either. Life is just hard work. (Interesting note: this is all in my birth chart – ‘she will never be given anything freely – anything she gains will be through her own hard work bla bla bla’. Pisces with Aires rising and moon in Scorpio. Damn stars.)
But I’ve been praying for help here and there. And leaving offering at my alter every day – even those days that I haven’t had the time to really say anything. And I’ve noticed my prayers being answered. Most strikingly is my husband’s work situation. It’s been bad, really bad for the last ten years. It’s the kind of job that is anyone’s worst nightmare. The landscape there is rife with nepotism, favouritism, racism, bigotry and general psychopathy. Really it’s a bad bad place to work. At times it’s been debilitating for him. He’s had to cope in various ways that aren’t good for him – like drinking too much and sleeping all the time. He’s been extremely depressed at times. And of course, this effects our whole family dynamic – leaves a lot of the administrative stuff in managing the family on my shoulders. It’s been terribly hard going at times – and almost put us on the rocks a few times. And – it’s a situation that I never saw changing. Something that he would be just stuck with until we could afford for him to seriously get out of there. In this economy, leaving a good paying union job, no matter how hellish, is a tough decision, especially when you have kids – well, mainly when you have kids.
I’ve been praying at my alter, mainly to his step-dad who recently passed away – for help. Can you please try to help him at work – help to fortify him, help him be strong and be able to withstand all that he has to face every day. Recently – more than that has happened – he’s actually been partially promoted! By the very men who were holding him down before. Which is what is so weird. It’s like they have done some kind of 180 degree turn around when it comes to my husband. He’s actually had a few good weeks where he’s feeling respected by his superiors – not liked mind you – but finally respected for all that he knows. Relied on. It’s strange – and wondrous.
Also this week my worth-it’s-weight-in-gold laptop suddenly died. I was looking into having to finance a new one, because I have to work – when a new client of mine offered for me to have the company iMac at my house. Brand spanking new – then he offered to buy me a laptop! Huh?
It’s not synchronicity kind of events – which is what I usually notice when I think the Creator is at work in my life. It’s actually like sunlight at the end of a long period of grey and rain, kind of feeling. Like warm sunny events.