It’s been a few weeks of processing the shamanic healing session I went through. I’ve noticed some things.
Rainbows behind my eyes – and in my mind’s eye. I know it sounds funny – rainbows! But, when I was little my Mom was a rainbow fan. Everything was rainbow themed. She embroidered little rainbows on our jeans pockets and rearranged the lights on our Christmas trees so they would fall like a rainbow – red orange yellow green blue. When we came to the big city, we always visited the rainbow store (yes, there was a rainbow store) and she bought us trinkets; erasers and pencils, sparkly stickers, kites and pinwheels – all rainbows.
Since my son was born two and half years ago, I have found myself gravitating back towards the rainbow. Finding myself staring at them when I see them, fascinated and entranced. In love. I don’t know why – something about my inner child maybe, being reawakened with having my own child. Something about the pleasing way the colours all fit together makes my artist mind content. I could just stare and stare – and I have.
So – I’ve been telling him all about the rainbow and how the colours go. We line up his building block according to colour, and his little toy cars. I’m looking for crystals to hang in the windows again, so he can have rainbows all over the house when it’s sunny.
So for the past few weeks it’s really odd… and at first I didn’t pay any mind, but then I began noticing that when I close my eyes, I often get these little bursts of light and colour right on my eyelids.
It’s one of those things I’ve mentioned before – it’s not like I think about a rainbow and then it appears. It’s like I’ll be thinking about any random thing and these little rainbows go off – a little light show in the dark of my thoughts. I see them, rather than think them.
The other thing is 11:11. What is with 11:11 anyways? I’ve heard of people seeing these numbers all the time – my husband sees it all the time. I’ve heard people on the radio talking about seeing those numbers together. And I had never in my life seen 11:11! I was starting feel like I was not part of some 11:11 club. I am a believer in numerology and I think the universe can send us messages in funny ways. Anyways it’s a little thing – but I’ve been seeing it. For days in a row even. 11:11 and 3:33.
I like to pay attention – as much as I can. The great mystery is what keeps me interested.
And then there’s this – big thing.
Catharsis or katharsis (Greek: κάθαρσις) is a Greek word meaning “cleansing” or “purging”. It is derived from the verb καθαίρειν, kathairein, “to purify, purge,” and it is related to the adjective καθαρός, katharos, “pure or clean.”
There’s been a person in my life in the past who has been at times the closest person to me – BFF. Friends for many many years – since we were 15. Closer during our 20’s and then we had a falling out at around 29 and haven’t spoken much. Now we both have kids and a family and we’ve bumped into each other again. And I felt like, of course we should be friends again – it’s so familiar and well, we were like family – and now we are raising our own kids and why not?
The thing is, this person had been extremely abusive to me in the past. And the nature of our falling out was so bad that I… I was changed by it. I lost some things – innocence, trust in the world, trust in women. I haven’t had close female friends since then – and really feel no interest in the concept. And yet I’ve been super lonely without confidants – I’m usually surrounded by my people. But this woman – this event was so drastic for me that I retreated from the world – and that was ten years ago.
I’ve spent time – good chunks of time, in the past ten years, convincing myself that it wasn’t as bad as I remember, and that she couldn’t effect me that much and that I was over it all – and yet the person that I had become was different than I was used to being. Bitter, judgmental, bitchy, intolerant of people, easily irritated, feeling superior – while at the same time feeling so .. frozen. Like life was just moving past me and here I was in my little icy cave watching it go by – but nothing was touching me at all.
It’s taken years to thaw some of that – and I am feeling better these days – but it’s still there. I would say the bitterness is going, and I have more love for people these day – but underneath all of that anger and front, is fear. Now, I’ve removed a layer and I’m just afraid of people all the time.
Anyways – it’s about trauma. This woman traumatized me – but it was a repeat of an even older trauma that happened when I was younger. And in fact, if I look at my life, I can see that little trauma repeating throughout. For me it’s about abandonment – and I can’t say that I know where the original trauma is… maybe it’s even a past life – but I see this pattern in my life today. I find that interesting – that we feel like things happen to us and we have no control – and yet, how is it that we can experience the same trauma over and over with different and unrelated people? What are the chances of that? We must be then, pulling that energy towards us from the universe. It’s actually proof that we do in fact invent our lives. We are makers.
So this woman – once more I’ve found her in my life. Wow. How did this happen? In the history of our friendship, she has seriously lost her shit on me three times – like I mean, lost her mind. Once she physically attacked me even – once we were in a foreign country together and I had to run home across the oceans. Another time she became abusive while I was grieving the death of a close friend. I mean she’s really a piece of work. She’s ridiculed me in public, she’s stabbed me the back, she lied and been secretive and seriously vindictive and vicious. And yet, we ran into each other two years ago again, and since then I’ve been trying to forgive her so we could be in each others lives again.
And I thought I was doing the right thing. Forgiveness.
like – what?!
So the other day I was thinking about this and I started having it out with her (only she wasn’t there – I was having it out with the wall). And while I was getting to say all the things I’ve ever wanted to say to her, my jaw clenched shut! Like, it went into some kind spasm and I could feel all of that energy just trapped there in my jaw muscles. I had to stop and calm down. So – this is pretty cool because during the healing session, as I explained in a previous post, this same thing happened, triggered by the session though, not emotion.
I really feel that things were loosened up during that session. I feel we only scratched the surface of whatever it is, but it got things flowing and I feel different. I feel like I released something and now my path is a teeny bit clearer. But it’s all about his – this woman. It’s about keeping my mouth shut and allowing her to be in my life, when she has no right to be in my life. It’s about taking care of myself. It’s about standing up for myself. It’s about using my voice and saying. ‘uh..no, you don’t get to do that and still be in my life’. And if I wasn’t going to use my voice to do this, if I was just stuffing it down, biting my tongue, then the result is that my voice has become stuck in my throat and my jaw, and it won’t come for any reason. This is the blockage. Physical, energetic, emotional. This has left me very quiet. And alone.
And my big realization is this – and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t have to have this person in my life anymore. Just because we have a long history and we’ve been through a lot together – just because she saved my life once, just because when she’s not being evil she’s an extremely powerful, enchanting and charismatic individual… I realized that holding on to her is possibly like holding on to the past itself and, if I feel there is dead areas in my life, it’s probably because there’s so many ghosts hanging out that I haven’t banished because I don’t want to be alone. But I don’t want the ghosts either. I don’t want the trauma, the despair, the sadness and tragedy of the past. If I properly tell her to get lost finally, it should make way for new people, new experiences. movement. life, energy – release from stagnation.
So I’m pondering how to do this. How do you let go of someone. Like logistically. Do you write a letter – send an email – unfriend them on Facebook? I was thinking of doing an audio MP3 and just mailing it to her. Is there some kind of ritual I could do – a ceremony stating my intention to not have her in my life anymore. hmmm. Stating and affirming my intention that I do not want that energy anymore – I will not pull in her energy, or anyone else that would be that nasty.
I feel really amazing about it though. Like I can’t wait to just have her gone now!
More rainbows please, no more ghosts.