Follow up from last post.

I am filled with fear on some levels. Mainly due to trauma I have undergone in the past. I believe I actually suffer from Post Traumatic Stress, that has gotten much worse since my son was born.

What this workshop taught me, is the following:

My ‘seed’ was the desire to walk a spiritual path again, like I once did. The desire to step onto the path, to practice my faith and to admit freely to the world what I believe in without judgment or fear of judgment. To be a part of a community of like-minded folk. To be able to talk freely about topics and philosophies in esoteric matters. To find my people.

I identified through the ceremony, that any blockages I have are situated at my throat chakra. I imagine this makes it hard for me to speak. Find my tongue. Find the courage of my convictions. Be a leader.

But when we cleared this energy, my hips began to ache and feel so heavy, like they did when I was carrying my child. And I was reminded instantly then of labour. In my labour I was forced to speak in a way, forced to scream, to be loud and to call all sorts of attention to myself (I was the loudest one on that birthing floor!) – something I am fundamentally uncomfortable with. So – does this all somehow intertwine. I think it does but I’m not sure yet how. Did my labour further exacerbate my trauma?

I’ve read a bit on some birth trauma websites and I don’t feel an affinity. I am a supporter of natural childbirth and believe that c-sections and all other interventions during labour should be used only in life threatening situations, or if labour ceases to progress. Birth trauma advocates seem to take the opposite stance.

I wonder if the trauma was more physical than anything else, and this ceremony helped to dislodge the memory of that purely physical pain. The hips, the contractions, the screaming. Then, at the end of it all, you have this brand new life – this little soul who is completely dependent on you for its survival. And that, coupled with not sleeping at all (being a 9 or 10 hour a night sleeper my whole life) starting from that first night in the hospital with him, after a 22 hour labour and of course the new babe will cry the whole night – the whole first year of his life was like one long anxiety attack.

I feel like I definitely wasn’t cut out of the mom cloth you know? It has not come easily or like, innately – as it seems to come to some of the women I know. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good mom – my main rule is just love him up as much as I can. He knows he is precious to us. I just mean the uncertainty at every turn, the indecision, the never knowing if I’m doing the right thing with any situation. With a baby, it’s every day decision-making and it all falls on you. It’s your show, your responsibility, you calling the shots. This has been excruciating for me at times. Having to fully rely on just myself for answers. No-one to go to. Oh yes there are experts and doctors and health nurses who tell you how to do everything, but really there are so many different answers to one question when caring for an infant, that you just have to choose the right answer for you and your family.

So – how does all of this baby stuff keep me from realizing my personal power? How does it stand in the way of me finding my voice in community? Maybe it’s just that it’s the most recent trauma and therefore the first one I need to wade through and let go before I get to the next, deeper level stuff. Maybe it’s just a sign post, reminding me that this stuff is still here, saying ‘this is the way you have to go if you want to get to your desired destination’. Go back Skye – go back.

I have to get back on the wagon so to speak, and turn around and go back the way I came and deal with the stuff back there in the past. Because you know, we all have trauma, and we can go forward in our lives without paying attention to it. We can move on and continue down the road, yes there’s nothing stopping time going on. But the question is really, how is the quality of our lives then? If we leave all of this stuff buried, what type of people will be then? Will we let it hold us back and dim our light? Will we wallow away in mediocrity, when we could be giants?

There’s a great rune. Actually I always groan when I get this in a reading : NAUTHIZ or Constraint. Here’s a quote from my rune book that always sticks with me: ‘When something within us is disowned, that which is disowned wreaks havoc.’ Eventually it seems, we actually must turn around and face that shadow. Whether we’re 25 or 85, it just depends on how much life we want to spend chained up.

I know that I am ready to be done with this stuff and move on. The world needs warriors right now. PTS can be debilitating. I am grateful that this work has shown me at least, shed a light on where I may need to let stuff go. And where I am holding myself back.

Note: I did a 3 card spread just now with the runes and was given:

LAGUZ Flow reversed in the overview place
THURISAZ Gateway reversed in the challenge place
JERA Harvest in the course of action place

Strange that these cards are telling me that somehow I went too far with this ceremony:

“warning against overreach, excessive striving, counsel against trying to exceed your own strength’ … ‘as a result, the intuitive side of your nature may be languishing, leaving you out of balance’ … ‘do not attempt to go beyond where you haven’t yet begun’ … ‘hasty decisions may cause regrets, for the probability is that you will act from weakness, deceive yourself about your motives and create new problems more severe than the ones you are attempting to solve’.

The council is: ‘remember, the quality of your passage depends upon your attitude and upon the clarity of your intention’ … ‘be certain you are not suffering over your suffering’ … ‘go within, honour the receptive side of your warrior nature’ … ‘be still, wait on the will of heaven’ … and then of course the Harvest card, reminding me that the outcome will be good, but it is a process and it takes time and to not be that farmer who goes out and pulls on his young plants to try and make them grow faster.

So what I get from that is it’s all about having faith and, as we used say in the 12 step program, getting out of the driver’s seat and letting your HP drive the bus. And it’s about baby steps. One small step after the other gets us there.

I’m not afraid or ashamed to say that I am filled with fear sometimes. I think the point is to not be paralyzed by it (for too long anyways – is ten years too long? 🙂 ). We have to ‘feel the fear and do it anyways’.

Fear and faith. Fear is a lack of Faith.

feature image by Brian Barnett